Krumpin: Kittle Corn wins the loudest week; Haters keeps the keys

Week 5 final: 170.38 buys the trophy, 144.50 keeps the penthouse, and BNF has entered a long-term relationship with losing.

By Skip Krump, Senior Columnist, Unlicensed League Psychiatrist.

I have decided that undefeated teams should have to carry a small bell. Not because they deserve a parade. Because Haters Gonna Hate keeps slipping through the room while everybody else is arguing about whose bench should be arrested. Five weeks, five wins, and now the only clean record in Krumpin. GolfNut finally took a loss. The velvet rope has become a one-man operation, which is exactly the kind of administrative development this league should resent.

The loudest team was not the first-place team. Kittle Corn dropped a league-high 170.38, My Team Sucks! followed at 161.26, and King James was third at 157.04. All three won. The schedule's little crime was DGAD: eighth-highest score, still a win. Dat's It scored seventh and lost. This was head-to-head, not a return to the Week 1 top-seven test. The format has moved on; the emotional damages have not.

King James 157.04, Ball Don't Lie 119.46

King James has won two straight and is back to 3-2, powered by Puka Nacua's 29.10, Malik Nabers' 23.80 and a Jets defense that scored 22.00. The quarterbacks combined for less than Nacua plus Nabers. Sometimes the crown is less monarchy than a very successful receiver co-op. Ball Don't Lie got 30.14 from Jared Goff and 22.20 from Derrick Henry, then watched the Raiders defense subtract 6.50. A defense that mails the opponent a rebate is a bold interpretation of the word protection. The three running/flex entries of Omarion Hampton, Roschon Johnson and Dohnte Meyers did not provide enough cover. Ball Don't Lie falls to 3-2; the name remains a statement, not a guarantee.

Kittle Corn 170.38, 4th and INCHES 104.23

Kittle Corn won the scoring title while Tyler Shough supplied 0.54 and Cairo Santos supplied nothing. Jaylen Warren's 34.50 and Bucky Irving's 33.40 built the foundation; George Pickens added 23.80 and Jameson Williams 18.10. That is not a tidy quarterback-led win. That is the downstairs furniture holding up a collapsing roof. Kittle Corn is 2-3, so the victory lap should remain inside the parking lot. 4th and INCHES posted the week's lowest total despite Jacoby Brissett's 27.58. CeeDee Lamb's 1.30 and Tee Higgins' 3.10 turned the receiver room into a loading screen. Benched Rhamondre Stevenson scored 16.60; even replacing Cam Skattebo's 7.00 would not rescue this beating. The problem was larger than one button.

Monday at 7:06, Kittle Corn reminded the room, “I got rocked last week.” That was a Week 4 confession, not a description of this result. This week's 170.38 led the league. Nothing repairs old bruises quite like making everybody else check the scoreboard twice.

My Team Sucks! 161.26, BNF 114.18

My Team Sucks! is running the league's most misleading complaint department: a second straight win, a 3-2 record, and the most season PF at 745.53. Drake Maye's 41.66 and Christian Watson's 29.00 did the heavy lifting while Roman Wilson delivered a zero. That is a strong team with a deliberately installed pothole. BNF got 27.94 from Jameis Winston and 23.14 from C.J. Stroud, which should buy a competitive afternoon. RJ Harvey's 1.20 and Tyler Allgeier's 2.00 instead bought another entry in the loss column. BNF is 0-5 with an L5 streak. The quarterback room showed up; the support staff appears to have submitted a group resignation.

Ghost of Twomp 146.46, Dat's It 141.15

Ghost of Twomp climbed from last week's 78.85 to 146.46, a recovery so violent it should come with a neck brace. Jahmyr Gibbs scored 39.20 and Jayden Daniels 35.36. Carnell Tate, Mitch Tinsley and Harold Fannin Jr. produced almost no cushion, but the stars dragged the cart anyway. Dat's It had Isaiah Likely's 26.60, Jordan Love's 25.88 and Mike Evans' 23.70, then got only 8.02 from Bo Nix. Seventh-best score, loss, second straight defeat: a respectable invoice delivered to the wrong address. Both teams are 2-3. One can enjoy the comeback; the other can keep staring at the 5.31-point gap as if it might confess.

DGAD 131.70, Tony's Terrific Team 126.97

DGAD won with the eighth-highest score, despite Jordan Addison's zero in Superflex and Kenyon Sadiq's minus-1.80. Josh Allen scored 34.70 and Will Reichard 16.90, so this was part football team, part kicker-assisted extraction. Tony's Terrific Team received 29.62 from Matthew Stafford and 22.90 from Aaron Rodgers, but the pass-catching brand names did not cash enough checks. The result was a 4.73-point loss and a return to 1-4. DGAD improves to 3-2. Nobody should frame this as a master class. It is a win with several warning lights covered by electrical tape, and the tape is currently holding.

EzMoney 156.32, Dan's Deepball 108.80

EzMoney ended a two-loss run with the fourth-best score. Parker Washington's 27.10 and James Cook III's 24.50 were excellent; Jason Myers' 25.00 was a kicker applying for management. Tyson Bagent scored 1.68 while Malik Willis had 20.68 benched, but a win this wide does not need a courtroom reconstruction. Dan's Deepball got 26.80 from Joe Burrow and 21.30 from Spencer Shrader, then watched Alvin Kamara score 1.00 and Brian Robinson 1.60. The deep ball was fine. The short paperwork was catastrophic. Both clubs are 2-3, but only Dan's carries an L2 streak into the next slate.

Haters Gonna Hate 144.50, GolfNut 120.09

The undefeated meeting ended with Haters still perfect and GolfNut finally 4-1. Haters had no 20-point starter, just enough useful contributions: Garrett Wilson 19.80, Brock Bowers 18.60, Matthew Golden 18.00 and Ka'imi Fairbairn 17.90. It was a committee meeting that somehow accomplished something. GolfNut got 26.94 from Tyler Huntley and 18.75 from Houston, but DJ Moore's zero and Michael Mayer's 0.40 left the lineup carrying empty grocery bags. Haters' W5 is real. GolfNut's current streak is L1, not four wins with an inconvenient footnote. The top seed does not care how recently the golf cart looked invincible.

GolfNut supplied the chat's most delicate damage assessment Sunday at 1:15: “Getting my ass whooped but it’s not as bad as I originally thought,” then “So far....” The ellipsis was doing the work of an entire offensive coordinator. By 8:58, the rescue plan had reached Hollywood: “I think Demi Moore could do it!!! lol” With DJ Moore delivering zero, even the casting department could not save the unbeaten record.

The trust exercise, conducted without supervision

Two loves: My Team Sucks!'s season scoring muscle, and Kittle Corn's ability to win without a functioning Shough total. Two hates: BNF's running-back floor and DGAD's dependence on Allen turning a damaged lineup into a usable appliance. Wire advice, not a transaction report: usable Superflex depth remains worth shopping for before the emergency. GolfNut's non-QB Superflex and DGAD's zero there are the week's reminder that a famous roster name is not a weekly score.

Bold call: My Team Sucks! is the 3-2 team most likely to make the top two uncomfortable. The PF lead supports the argument; the occasional zero keeps the column from becoming a campaign donation. Haters has 725.32 PF and the only 5-0 record. That is earned scoreboard leverage, not proof of immunity.

The five-week receipt

The standings below include Week 1's top-seven all-play results and four weeks of head-to-head. Haters has five straight wins; King James and My Team Sucks! have two. BNF has five straight losses. The five-team crowd at 2-3 is still close enough to argue, which means the next lineup lock will be treated like a constitutional convention. Kittle Corn gets the weekly trophy. Haters keeps the building. BNF, for now, is the building's fire drill.

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