Krumpin: My Team Sucks! finally finds a Watson taker, and it cost a running back the commish needed

By SKIP KRUMPIN, Senior Columnist, Unlicensed League Psychiatrist

San Jose, CA — October 15, 2026

SAN JOSE, CA. (FAKE NEWS AP) -- Thirty-seven minutes after shopping Deshaun Watson around the group chat like a timeshare in a bad zip code, My Team Sucks! finally found a taker, sending Watson to King James for running back Bhayshul Tuten in a deal that hit the wire at 6:08 p.m. Pacific and immediately raised one question: does King James know something about Jalen Hurts that the trainer has not announced yet?

The confessions, in order posted

The paper trail is glorious. At 5:19 p.m. Pacific, My Team Sucks! opened the bidding with "I have Deshaun to trade," then spent the next twelve minutes inflating the sticker. "He's better than Herbert rn," came the pitch at 5:21 p.m. At 5:23 p.m., the claim reached full fantasy-guy physics: "Actually he has the same points as Hurts. And Lamar." When Haters Gonna Hate observed at 5:20 p.m. that "My Team Sucks! will even offer a back rub if you take Watson," the market had spoken: the price of Deshaun Watson in this league was a massage.

4th and INCHES did the sane thing and declined, muttering "Looking for another WR" at 5:31 p.m. after being offered Watson for Brissett, then Geno. King James watched the whole clearance sale, sized it up at 5:25 p.m. — "I don't think he wants to help. He will want a blue chipper from me" — and then paid... a running back. Not a blue chipper. A running back. The negotiating lesson: threaten to sell a QB and someone will eventually buy him just to make the posting stop.

The grade

My Team Sucks!: A-minus

Turn a bench QB into an every-week running back next to Ashton Jeanty, keep Drake Maye and Daniel Jones in a Superflex lineup, and still have Tetairoa McMillan and Tucker Kraft to catch the passes? That is not a trade, that is a heist with the vault door open. The minus is only because selling Watson at maximum fictional value one day earlier would have bought a blue chipper. You had one pitch, and the pitch was a back rub. It still worked.

King James: B-minus

Here is the defense: Hurts is sitting out on the bench with an O tag, Dak can only fill one Superflex slot, and Watson instantly becomes a startable body with a real bye-week shield. In this format, that is a need. Here is the problem: Tuten was a functioning running back, King James' flex now leans on a Questionable Saquon Barkley, and the wire shows the front office celebrated the trade at 6:09 p.m. by grabbing Andy Dalton — who was discarded by Kittle Corn an hour earlier — to complete a QB museum that already holds Dak, Watson, Hurts and now Dalton. That is not a quarterback room, that is a display case. Four minutes after "I have Deshaun to trade," the commish's counteroffer shelf said "I've QBs for sale" from a different team entirely. Everyone was selling. Nobody was buying. And then this happened.

The best player in the trade wears a My Team Sucks! jersey as of 6:08 p.m., and the guy who yelled "Puka bro" into the chat at 5:25 p.m. got neither Puka nor a blue chipper. The grade is in the mailbox with the back rub. — 30 —