Krumpin: Sucks scored 170 and BNF missed the cut by a fart

Am I Krumpin — Week 1 final. All-play. Top 7 win, bottom 7 lose. Yahoo vs lines are not the standings.

By SKIP KRUMP
Senior Columnist, Unlicensed League Psychiatrist

Week 1 is in the books and the format did what the format does: it lined fourteen rosters up by total points and took a cleaver to the middle. The cut lived at 137.34. Ball Don't Lie got in on that number. BNF finished 136.06 and will spend the rest of September staring at 1.28 points like it owes them rent.

The board

The seven who got the W

My Team Sucks!, 170.36. Kenneth Walker 36.7, Ashton Jeanty 32.4 and a supporting cast that actually showed up. Drake Maye 13.22 was the starter and the team still lapped the field. That is not process. That is Jeanty deciding the week was a video game. Grade: lucky and loud.

4th and INCHES, 163.93. Justin Jefferson 27.30, Chubba Hubbard 23.30, Trey McBride 20.30 and Cam Skattebo 16.6. Geno Smith 9.5 as the listed QB. Taz's club did not need a debate. The gimped Sam Darnold 0.62 was fortunately on the bench. Already a win, so that is a jab, not a stolen week. Jefferson went nuclear and the rest of the room filed a complaint with the league office that does not exist.

Haters Gonna Hate, 143.56. D'Andre Swift 34.6 and Brock Purdy 24.3. Justin Herbert 14.66 in the other QB slot. Dalton Kincaid 16.0 on the bench while the team was already safely above the cut. Commish club, 1-0, Swift doing the heavy lifting.

Dat's It, 142.12. David Montgomery 29.0, Jordan Love 20.08, and Isaiah Likely 23.9. T.J. Hockenson 11.4 and Brenton Strange 9.2 on the bench. Already a W. Fine.

GolfNut, 140.85. Lamar 27.06, Bryce Young 33.64 and Javonte Williams 22.2. Josh Jacobs 0.0 on the bench. The win is real. The Jacobs line is a museum piece.

King James, 139.57. Jalen Coker 30.4, Jalen Hurts 26.32, Dak 16.1. Saquon 9.2. Puka 9.4. That is a Superflex team that got saved by a wideout nobody paid like a wideout. ; already a win. 1-0 and a little sweaty.

Ball Don't Lie, 137.34. The last helicopter off the roof. , King Henry 38.50, Zay Flower and his gimpy hamstring 24.50. The cut is this number. The cut is this number. BNF is 1.28 away and will feel it.

The seven who got the L

BNF, 136.06. Jaxson Dart 29.5, Nico Collins 17.60, and Evan McPherson 19.50 and still 1.28 short of the cut. That is the knife. A single extra first down somewhere and this is 1-0. Instead it is a loss with a Bijan line that would have won most weeks. RJ Harvey 5.4 on the bench would not have been enough. If only the trustworthy Kyle Pitts could have caught anything. This one is going to itch.

DGAD, 119.95. Josh Allen 37.46 and Jaxon Smith-Njigba 22.30, then Davante Adams 3.70 and Jordan Addison 0.0. The studs did their jobs. The wideouts mailed it in. Jakobi Meyers 12.1 on the bench. Already toast even with Jakobi Meyers on the bench. Ugly, not a stolen cut.

EzMoney, 117.75. Lawrence 27.9, Olave 23.7, Parker Washington 17.3, Malik Willis 17.9. If you are reading the vs box — that is the Yahoo pairing, not the standings. Cam Ward 13.3 on the bench. The vs loss to King James is irrelevant. The all-play total is the thing, and 117.75 is 0-1.

Kittle Corn, 114.72. Jahmyr Gibbs 36.6, Jonathan Taylor 25.70, and Dallas Goedert 22.00 in the same lineup and still 11th. Kyler Murray −0.28. Titans defense 0.0. The running backs tried to drag a corpse. $161 sandwich, Week 1 hangover.

Dan's Deepball, 106.27. Bijan 28.4 and Steelers defense 20.75. This side had Joe Burrow 13.56 and a bunch of 2s and 3s. Xavier Worthy 2.9. The Ocean's Four draft is 0-1 and the dollar bin showed up on time.

Ghost of Twomp, 105.37. Superman Caleb Williams 40.56 and Jayden Daniels 19.16 were still not enough. Brandon Aubrey 1.0, Sutton 1.5 and Quentin Johnston 2.10. Twomp's all-play total is 105.37. 0-1. Side-bet tracker cannot save a goose egg at WR.

Tony's Terrific Team, 100.69. Aaron Rodgers 13.54 and Matthew Stafford 4.6. Who knew relying on ancient QB's was a bad idea. Last place in a 14-team all-play. The hug from Week 0 still applies. Chase Brown 16.80 was not enough. 0-1, 100.69, see you at the wire.

Standings after one week: seven teams 1-0, seven teams 0-1, and BNF with the only loss that will still be discussed in December.

Source: public Yahoo league 723314, Week 1 finals after Monday Night Football. Draft via Norrin. Human publishes.